Day 27

When I made the decision to limit the number of weddings I would do this year came the decision to create something more in and of my blog. I knew I wouldn't have many weddings to post, so I really wanted my blog to become something more. Exactly more of what? I'm not sure yet; I think that part continues to daily evolve. I did know that I wanted it to become more about my life and my family...to become more personal; an online journal and record of my own life. I also wanted it to be a blog that you, my internet family, would want to read...to encourage you, to make you smile, to laugh, maybe cry, and I'm sure bore you at times too, with totally useless information and my random musings. ;)

Now with all that said, this post calls me to the carpet on just that. It's this post that I've thought about since starting my daily journey with you via this blog. I knew that on this day, January 27th, I would be sharing this with you. And now that this day is here, I'm really nervous about it. I'm not used to just opening up like this and letting the world know what goes on in this head of mine. My mind. My thoughts. They belong to me. But remember...that's not what I said I wanted out of this blog. I must do it. I must share with you. I must remind you that in your own journey through this thing called life, you do not travel it alone.

This is my journal entry from January 27, 1999. (When I actually hand wrote my words instead of now type them). ;)

1/27/99
My, my, my how the year is starting off-I wrote in this journal a couple of years ago and threw away the pages because I was embarrassed and didn’t want people to read my feelings. Now I hope that my feelings will one day be a legacy of mine-for my husband; for my children. That these words may one day give them strength and courage.

8 days ago I was admitted to Providence Hospital for anemia. Stayed there a couple of days and was almost discharged until I had a positive stool for blood. I had no evidence of this anytime before. Tests were scheduled and I was obviously not sent home. One of those tests revealed something I would have never dreamed of: a large tumor in my colon. A tumor that the surgeon was sure was cancer. Cancer?! I was shocked as well as my family and husband. I honestly did not know how to feel. After all the visitors had left when it was just me and Clark, those feelings came out. I was hurt, lonely—felt like God had forgotten about me.

Surgery was scheduled for the next day and we prayed that the cancer had not already spread to my lungs and liver as the doctor said they sometimes do. I have never been more afraid in my life. I cried all day long still feeling like God was not there—that forgotten about feeling. All I could see was my children’s lives flash before me. We prayed, oh how we prayed. My other fear was what if it was God’s will for it to be spread. What if it were His will for me to die?
I got through the surgery fine—the cancer was just in my colon—none in my liver—lymph nodes were removed also to determine any metastasis. Fear again, but one prayer had been answered. I was still having my pity party.

Monday was the day to get the results back. Monday morning was not good for me. I was hurting, couldn’t move good, tube in my nose. Until Clark came in and told me what had been going on this entire weekend—none of which I knew about. Prayers were said by people all over the States, by family and friends and even strangers. A prayer vigil of 25-30 people was held for me during my surgery. A stack of cards from all the children [from church] were brought to me. But the one thing that brought me through: Jane (name changed) had made a salvation decision. My feelings of loneliness immediately lifted---Wow! I thought! Through this week of pain and worry on me, an eternal life had been saved. The Lord had used me, not forgotten me! I have never felt more loved at that moment than I believe I ever have. God-Creator-had used little ‘ole me—an eternal life had been saved. What an honor I felt—how special I felt that our God chose me for His work! From that moment I knew everything would be okay!

The results came back—out of 42 lymph nodes, one was malignant—very hopeful—chemotherapy a must, but it will be okay, too. Now I won’t say I’m not scared—I’m not ready to die. I want to live a long life. I want to have grandchildren! But to know how such a mighty way God used me, I also know he’s not going to leave me. The Scripture that came to my mind was 2 Corinthians 5:20, “We are therefore Christ’s Ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us”. This is our purpose! How special I feel that I am an Ambassador!

I still am worried—I’m still a little scared, but all I can do is pray and I know my God hears me. I pray that through my fears and my doubt, I won’t forget these words I’ve written. There’s still going to be pain I’m sure, but I pray that I will draw strength from the God who loves me most of all!